My Neighbor’s Ice-Cold Revenge
MY ABUTTER DELUGED MY VEHICLE WITH LIQUID IN FRIGID CONDITIONS BECAUSE MY “DILAPIDATED CLUNKER” CONTAMINATES THE ATMOSPHERE IN OUR VICINITY
ABUTTER: “I IMPERATIVELY REQUEST YOU DISPOSE OF THAT DILAPIDATED CLUNKER! IT’S CONTAMINATING THE ATMOSPHERE MY PROGENY INHALE!”
ME: “INDEED? ARE YOU PROPOSING TO PROCURE A REPLACEMENT FOR ME?”
ABUTTER: “SHOULD YOU FAIL TO ELIMINATE IT WITHIN SEVEN DAYS, I SHALL GUARANTEE ITS DISPOSAL!”
I DISMISSED HIS “MENACE,” YET SEVEN DAYS SUBSEQUENTLY, I VENTURED OUTDOORS AND DISCOVERED MY VEHICLE ENTIRELY ENCASED IN ICE! THERE HAD NOT EVEN BEEN PRECIPITATION! AND THERE HE WAS, PERCHED ON HIS VERANDA, IMBIBING COFFEE WITH A SELF-SATISFIED EXPRESSION, UTTERING, “BE CAREFUL – IT APPEARS TO BE PRECIPITATING EVERY NIGHT!”
IT CONSUMED FIVE HOURS TO DETACH ALL THAT ICE. HE WAS INDEED GRATIFIED WITH HIMSELF, BUT HE WAS UNAWARE THAT RETRIBUTION HAD ITS OWN SCHEMES FOR HIM THAT VERY EVENING!
AROUND THE WITCHING HOUR, I AWOKE TO AN UNUSUAL SOUND, SIMILAR TO A COLOSSAL BURST OF LIQUID. BELIEVING HE WAS INTERFERING WITH MY VEHICLE ONCE MORE, I PEEKED EXTERNALLY.
HOWEVER, UPON OBSERVING THE ACTUAL OCCURRENCE, I ERUPTED WITH LAUGHTER! ⬇️Peering through the window, I initially thought he was drenching my car again, perhaps with even more malicious intent. But no, the liquid wasn’t arcing towards my vehicle. It was erupting – geysering – from his own meticulously manicured front lawn. And not just water. Oh no, it was far, far worse.
His septic tank, or whatever arcane system he used to manage his waste, had catastrophically failed. A fountain of foul-smelling, brown effluent was spewing skyward, raining down upon his precious veranda, his pristine lawn, and, gloriously, upon his smugly parked, environmentally-approved vehicle. The “colossal burst of liquid” I’d heard was not directed at me, but at his own hubris.
He burst out of his front door in his pajamas, coffee mug flying from his hand, replaced with a look of utter horror and disbelief. The self-satisfied smirk was gone, replaced by a slack-jawed expression of pure, unadulterated dismay as he surveyed the cascading sewage show in his front yard.
I couldn’t contain myself. My quiet chuckles morphed into full-blown, side-splitting laughter. I threw open my window and leaned out, wiping tears from my eyes. “Having a bit of precipitation yourself, neighbor?” I called out, my voice dripping with mock concern. “Looks like it’s…contaminating the atmosphere something fierce over there!”
He glared at me, his face contorted with rage and embarrassment. He sputtered something incoherent, gesturing wildly at the geyser of filth erupting from his lawn.
“Perhaps,” I continued, unable to resist twisting the knife, “you should consider disposing of *that* dilapidated system? It’s rather…unhealthy for your progeny to inhale, wouldn’t you agree?”
He retreated back inside, slamming the door with a force that rattled his windows. The sewage continued to gush, a fragrant, brown monument to his hypocrisy.
The next morning, the septic service trucks arrived with sirens wailing, a stark contrast to the usual quiet of our street. I watched from my window as a team in hazmat suits descended upon his lawn, the air thick with the unpleasant aroma of his comeuppance. He emerged later, looking haggard and defeated, and pointedly avoided eye contact with my house.
He never mentioned my “dilapidated clunker” again. In fact, he became noticeably less vocal and assertive in general. The smugness seemed to have been washed away, along with a considerable amount of something far less pleasant. And while I didn’t wish such a messy fate on anyone, especially not on a cold winter’s night, I couldn’t deny a certain satisfaction. Perhaps, just perhaps, the universe had a sense of humor after all, and sometimes, retribution was best served…brown and overflowing.