Should a 64-year-old, unemployed mother be paid for childcare?

IS IT UNREASONABLE TO ASK MY 64-YEAR-OLD, UNEMPLOYED MOTHER (SHOWN) TO CARE FOR MY CHILD WITHOUT CHARGE? SHE EXPECTS TO BE PAID!
My mother has been a stay-at-home parent for many years. She is at home the ENTIRE DAY (honestly, her only activities are watching television and cooking).
I needed childcare for my newborn to return to work as my husband and I are having difficulty making ends meet. Initially, she claimed she was too old and had already raised her own children.
Subsequently, she reconsidered but insisted on payment and other conditions (listed below). I decided to… See the first comment for the full story…👇👇 ⬇… see the first comment for the full story…👇👇 ⬇

My mother has been a stay-at-home parent for many years. She is at home the ENTIRE DAY (honestly, her only activities are watching television and cooking).
I needed childcare for my newborn to return to work as my husband and I are having difficulty making ends meet. Initially, she claimed she was too old and had already raised her own children.
Subsequently, she reconsidered but insisted on payment and other conditions (listed below). I decided to…

**(First Comment – Full Story)**

… hear her out. The conditions were quite extensive. Firstly, she wanted to be paid $20 an hour, cash, under the table. Secondly, she stipulated her ‘working hours’ would be strictly 9 am to 5 pm, Monday to Friday, no exceptions, even if I was running late from work. Thirdly, she demanded complete control over the baby’s routine while in her care – naps, feeding, playtime – everything her way, no questions asked. Finally, and this was the kicker, she expected me to provide all supplies – diapers, wipes, formula (I’m breastfeeding but she said ‘just in case’), toys, everything.

Honestly, I was floored. $20 an hour? That’s more than we paid at the daycare for our older child years ago! And all these rigid rules… it felt less like a loving grandmother helping out and more like hiring a very demanding nanny. I tried to reason with her. I explained our financial situation, how we were really struggling, and how much it would mean to us if she could help as family. I pointed out she was already home all day, doing very little, and this would be a way to feel useful and bond with her grandchild.

Her response was blunt. “Being home all day doesn’t mean I’m free childcare. Looking after a baby is hard work, and you should value my time and experience. If you want quality care, you have to pay for it. And frankly,” she added, looking around our modestly furnished living room, “it doesn’t look like you can afford to pay anyone else anyway.”

I was hurt and angry. It felt like she was holding us hostage. On one hand, she was right, childcare is expensive, and maybe $20 an hour wasn’t outrageous. But the principle of it bothered me. This was family. Shouldn’t family help each other out in times of need, especially when they are perfectly capable? My husband was equally frustrated. We argued about it for days. Should we just suck it up and pay her? Could we afford it, even? Daycare was definitely more expensive, but dealing with these demands felt… wrong.

Finally, after a week of agonizing, I decided to talk to her again, not as a daughter begging for a favor, but as an employer considering a potential caregiver. I went to her house, armed with information about average childcare costs in our area, both for in-home care and daycare centers. I calmly presented the facts, showing her that while her rate wasn’t completely unreasonable, it was on the higher end for family care, especially considering she wouldn’t have commuting costs or other expenses a professional nanny would incur.

I also addressed her conditions. I acknowledged her experience but explained that as parents, we also had our preferences for our child’s care, and we needed to be partners in this. I proposed a slightly lower hourly rate, closer to $15, which was still generous considering it was family. I also asked for a little flexibility on the hours, suggesting we could discuss any overtime needs in advance, rather than a strict 5 pm cut-off. As for the routine, I suggested we work together to create a plan that incorporated her experience and our parenting style.

To my surprise, she listened. Perhaps seeing the research I had done, and sensing my more assertive approach, made her reconsider. She didn’t immediately agree, but she softened. She admitted she was nervous about taking on the responsibility again after so many years, and the payment was partly about validating her effort and time. She also confessed a bit of resentment that she felt taken for granted sometimes, and this was her way of setting boundaries.

We talked for a long time that day. We didn’t reach a perfect agreement, but we found a compromise. We agreed on $17 an hour, cash, for a trial period of two months. We also agreed to discuss the baby’s routine together and be flexible where possible. It wasn’t the free, loving grandparent care I had initially dreamed of, but it was affordable, and more importantly, it was a step towards understanding each other better.

In the end, it worked out okay. My mother cared for my child, and while it wasn’t always smooth sailing, and we definitely had some disagreements about nap schedules and baby food, it was manageable. More importantly, it forced us to communicate more honestly and openly, not just as mother and daughter, but as two adults with different needs and perspectives. It wasn’t the ideal, free childcare scenario I had hoped for, but it was a solution that allowed me to return to work and provided my mother with a sense of purpose and, yes, some extra income. And maybe, just maybe, it even strengthened our relationship in a strange, transactional, but ultimately functional way.